Racing thoughts

This morning, I woke up with this mix of feelings. All kinds of feelings happening all at once: anger, rage, happiness, melancholia, frustration, sadness, anxiety, guilt. I know it sounds extremely creepy, but suicidal thoughts are a constant. I have to confess that I fell asleep and also got up with the same idea: what the hell is my mission on earth?! What do I have to do to finally deserve some real rest?!

But whomever says I don't think about others, about things, about actions and reactions, needs to be told off. It's so unfair of everyone to judge me, and not care about me, when I'm literally dying inside. I guess there will be a day when I'll simply disappear and then I'll be somewhere wondering.. is there someone missing me?!

I wish I could be a little bit more practical

I guess I've been fighting against this problem of mine for ages... not being very practical. The situation is possibly a result of my "scientific" point of view; the need to theorize things, regurgitate all sorts of information several times to the point it makes sense. In the end, it usually makes A LOT of sense. The problem is that when it comes to doing something to change it, and finally come to a solution, I usually stay there, incapable to move forward or backwards, watching everything fall apart.

Why is it that I can't just do what I need to do? Why is it that my first reaction is always to run away and hide from the world, from people I love and certainly love me back?

I hope someday I can just realize how NOT RIGHT my attitude has been and that from some point on I can just be a little bit more practical!