Racing thoughts

This morning, I woke up with this mix of feelings. All kinds of feelings happening all at once: anger, rage, happiness, melancholia, frustration, sadness, anxiety, guilt. I know it sounds extremely creepy, but suicidal thoughts are a constant. I have to confess that I fell asleep and also got up with the same idea: what the hell is my mission on earth?! What do I have to do to finally deserve some real rest?!

But whomever says I don't think about others, about things, about actions and reactions, needs to be told off. It's so unfair of everyone to judge me, and not care about me, when I'm literally dying inside. I guess there will be a day when I'll simply disappear and then I'll be somewhere wondering.. is there someone missing me?!

I wish I could be a little bit more practical

I guess I've been fighting against this problem of mine for ages... not being very practical. The situation is possibly a result of my "scientific" point of view; the need to theorize things, regurgitate all sorts of information several times to the point it makes sense. In the end, it usually makes A LOT of sense. The problem is that when it comes to doing something to change it, and finally come to a solution, I usually stay there, incapable to move forward or backwards, watching everything fall apart.

Why is it that I can't just do what I need to do? Why is it that my first reaction is always to run away and hide from the world, from people I love and certainly love me back?

I hope someday I can just realize how NOT RIGHT my attitude has been and that from some point on I can just be a little bit more practical!

Back to life

Oh well, I guess I've been going through a lot of ups and downs, but finally I can see some light at the end of the tunnel. Let's wait and hope for the best.

I'd like to thank everyone that has been hanging in there, being patient and helping me the best way they could. And I'd like to use this opportunity to remind myself and let everyone know how important all of you, my friends, are in my life! Without you, I'd be miserable! Thanks for making my days better!!!!

Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery...

I think it's so funny that I grew up thinking that I was nothing special and that I would never be a target for envious people. My self-esteem has always been very low and I've always had trouble being self-confident and believing that what I do is actually well done.

Anyway, I guess that the more I live the more I find out I was wrong. When I keep busting my ass to have my goals reached, fighting for academic and professional achievements, I see people dragging themselves in my shadow. And I can't deny that it really surprises me!

I know how hard it is to get recognition in such a competitive world. But then when you find yourself being copied, having your words repeated by other people on the internet (even though there are no quotes or references to the original author), you can be sure that there are people wanting to be you out there... And that is flattering, isn't it?!

So despite my impulses to get angry about it, I guess I'll make myself proud of my work. Apparently, even though I haven't gotten any type of major fame, it seems to me I've accomplished more than I imagined, right? Because as they say: IMITATION IS THE SINCEREST FORM OF FLATTERY!

It's not easy to be me

People tend to fantasize about all sorts of things. Sometimes they oversimplify them; other times, they overcomplicate them. But the fact is that, no matter what, we all see things through our own perspectives and points of view and that may distort the reality.

Of course everyone has their own problems, their own achievements, their own failures and their own glories. Everyone does! I can guarantee that. No one is perfect and no one is a complete fraud. If you start analyzing people, you'll see that every single one has their layers of complexity.

So I remember one episode, when a friend of mine, married with a child, whom I saw as having such a sweet life, told me that MY life was easy. And I'll explain the context, so you can understand what was going on. I was planning a trip to one of those ecotourism sites around Brasilia, to go hiking, and I invited her to go with me. We would both bring our sons and have fun.

She said "Oh dear! I wish! You can do that because your life is easy, as you're unmarried and your son is independent. So you don't have to report everything you're doing to your husband nor take care of every step of your child because he's not capable of doing it himself".

I couldn't help feeling a mix of emotions, anger, confusion, pitty, who know what more? I told her that my life could be seen as "easy" if she thought that not having a husband to report the actions and having an independent child was always good. But she might have "forgotten" that not having a husband also meant having less income and less help at home, and that having an independent child might have been the result of having to work extra hours and leaving the child so many times unattended in order to do so.

I know it's complicated to put in words what I want to say. But summarizing, I'd say that everyone needs to exercise their abilities to see things through macro and micro perspectives. As in macro, everyone is the same. We are all people, human beings, with needs and desires, doing our part, good or bad, to the society. As in micro, however, everyone is peculiar, with their own qualities and flaws, being unique. So in micro, everyone is special, irreplaceable, for only that individual can be who they are, doing things their way. In macro, on the other hand, everyone can be replaced. Your job can be done by others and if you don't do a good job, they'll find someone else, no matter how special and unique you are.

So, before you start thinking about how nice it is to have my life, just analyze a little bit more thoroughly. IT'S NOT EASY TO BE ME!

Let's learn, like a flock of birds!

I always tell my students they need to try to associate whatever they learn to something that might help them process the information and remember it later. You know, the type of thing you do to memorize someone's phone number, your passwords, social security number... It's a combination of craziness that only you understand. If you try to explain to someone else, it won't make any sense. Let's say you'd remember PIN for your bank account, for example, as the year you graduated from high school and the year your mom was born. Do you think anyone else would think of it like that? I guess not...

So I have to say that having classes with one of my favorite teachers in DC, Aaron Jackson, from The Washington Ballet School, has been awesome! I mean, it's not only because he's so upbeat all the time, but he's great encouraging new comers. The classes are in a drop-in basis. Therefore, you can imagine how some people are just so used to the combinations that it become second nature to them... On the other hand, some just seem to be flying all the time, trying to catch up because they can't quite follow everything.

Whenever this type of thing happens, he's very kind to explain that people should not be ashamed because some of the students have been there with him for several months and that eventually they'll catch up. The trick is to keep on showing up. That's the key: perseverance.

But going back to the "association" issue, it's interesting how he always pictures everything that he says during the class. So, to position yourself properly in relation to the barre, he says "There's an imaginary friend between you and the barre", so that you won't put yourself too close nor too far. The "imaginary friend" is the perfect distance.

Another one that I really like is the one that is pretty much common, the "beach ball" analogy. To have your arms in the second position, usually we think of it either too straight or too bent. But they always say (and Aaron does too): "beach ball... imagine you're holding a big beach ball". So there it is. Arms to the side, slightly bent, so that the elbows are pointing backwards.

But to tell you the truth, my favorite part is, when we finish the barre exercises and we go to the center floor exercises. I mean, it's not my favorite because I actually know how to dance and the efforts I make during the barre part of the class pay off. That would be exactly the opposite, because at least when I'm at the barre I feel like I can do something. When I'm in the center or doing the combinations from the corner, I feel like "OMG! I can't dance at all!"... LOL

However, Aaron has a great way to encourage all of us. He says "Everybody needs to look ugly in order to look beautiful. So just keep trying!"... And when he's teaching the steps, he demonstrates it first and then he says: "Come on, everyone! Let's mark it together! Come learn, like a flock of birds!!!"...

I have to admit that I have learnt A LOT with Aaron... thanks for his very well structured class AND for his great way of making class fun and full of images that make us picture everything better!!!

We can't make everyone happy

Today, despite all my efforts to do everything right, the end of the day was not exactly what I designed. And then, after thinking about a ton of things, I figured it out (well, not exactly figured it out, but remembered): We can't try to appease everyone in the world! Otherwise, besides not being able to satisfy other people's desires, you might end up feeling miserable yourself. And whatever you do, no matter how hard you try, most of the times won't be exactly what others expect from you.

Right now, I guess I might be getting into one of those, let's say, introspective periods, when all I need is to be left alone. I don't want anyone to bother me, no one asking me if they can do something to help. I don't need anyone to judge me or criticize me. I just want to do what needs to be done.

And after the storm is over and the sun is out again, I'll come back to light and see the world again. But right now, don't try to reach me. I must be in my own little world inside myself.

Walking towards a new life

We are always making plans, fantasizing, creating our future. That's what we were made for: inventing our own stories. Of course, this is not something bad. That's part of each one of us; it's human nature. That's the essence of mankind. What makes you keep on going, and have the strength to move on is the art of dreaming and continue having expectations, no matter how many times you've faced frustration.

Fortunately, on the one hand, many steps of our lives go according to plans, they happen exactly as we expect. However, on the other hand, we are forced to see some of our deepest desires simply fade away. Obviously it is extremely sad. But it's exactly because we don't have a crystal ball that we can't predict what God (or fate, destiny, whatever it is that you believe in) has planned for us. For that reason, something I know for sure is that we need to be ready for whatever. All the time!

Well, I have to admit that sometimes we can be shocked. For a devastating situation, it's necessary for us to give ourselves a little more time to get over, shake off the dust, and move on. Some other times, the effects in our lives are minor. No matter how hard the problem may seem, it always gets to a certain point where you have to let go of the sorrow and the grief and move forward. We need to learn to see through all the agony and see what's beyond that. If possible, look at the bright side. Because the show must go on!

It is evident that, when we make plans, there are some tools we need to provide ourselves with to make them work. If the plan is to ace your final exams, you need to study really hard. If you want to get in shape, you need to start a diet, work out, exercise, massage, have plastic surgery, gastric bypass, or whatever more appropriate method each person can decide. If it is to live the love of your life, leave a whole freedom behind so that you can dedicate yourself exclusively to this one person. In a nut shell, what I mean is that no matter what the plan is, we usually make a lot of effort to see them work as perfectly as we expect.

Nevertheless, despite all our best intentions, we have to understand that things don't necessarily depend on us and how willing we are to make them happen. There are millions of external circumstances that can interfere and are simply our of our control. It can be a weather change that can ruin your vacation at the beach. It may be a pothole in the middle of the highway that can cause you to be late for a job interview. It can be the rain that messes up your hair just after you leave the hairdresser. A ton of things can happen that you couldn't possibly have predicted...

Therefore, you can only conclude that there are no magic formula capable of making you know in advance what goals you should pursue and which ones you should ignore. No one can tell you beforehand how much you should feed your illusions, how much time you should invest on your dreams, or where the limit behind reality and fantasy is. The best way of finding that out is actually living. Otherwise, you'll spend your whole life based on hypothesis... and I've said that a million times, but "IF" doesn't exist. If you live based in assumptions of what might happen or not, you'll see your life go by, fearing frustrations, avoiding intense feelings for the sake of not suffering later on. And before you notice, you'll be an old person full of regrets because you just spent your life existing, instead of being...

Having said that, my belief is that you shouldn't regret anything. Not because you have never done anything wrong, but because you realize you allowed yourself to live and try. It might not have worked properly, but how would you know if you didn't try?

So what happens from now on is in your hands. It's your choice. It is your responsibility to decide what to do and see where your fantasies lead you to. If you find out later on it's a sinking ship, just save yourself using the lifeboats. Forget about your previous bets, what you have invested. Just move on. The price you pay for your mistakes must be much worse if you just act like a stubborn and stay there doing nothing. Keep the best memories and go on with your life. Create new stories, make new plans, seek other dreams. But if you still believe there's solution for the problem, go after it. Don't give up.

Your path, only you can decide. No one else can do it for you. It's just important to put our thoughts together so that we can analyze clearly which direction we should take. If we should push a little bit more, or if we need to face it and give it up. It's never late to make decisions. It's never late to take the first step. And it's never late to step back.

Nobody can change the past, so there's no need to hold on to it. The future itself doesn't exist. When it comes, it become present. So the only time you can actually do something is right now. Yesterday is past and tomorrow may never come. So...

DO WHAT YOU NEED TO DO!!!!

It is decided

Well, I guess that the biggest agony one can face is living in doubt. It's always a pain not knowing where to go, how to do something, when to leave, who to stay with... Being depressed, the only explanation I can give people as to why the sorrow won't go away is that I have no clue about its reason in the first place.

Yeah, I know it may sound a little bit crazy, but it's true. If you know what the problem is, you're halfway there to find a solution. But if you don't know what it is, then you'll definitely not know what to do, or where to go, or which direction to take.

Let's say you know you're lost in the woods; then you know you need to find a way out (or at least, if you decide to stay, that you need to find a way to survive). Let's say you know you have some kind of disease; then you know you want to find a cure, treat yourself, make yourself feel better. You are broke and have bills to pay; you need to work and earn tons of money, or you need to win the lottery, or you try to get a loan from a bank or borrow some cash form friends.

Anyway, no matter what the problem is, knowing its nature is always a relief. It might be frightening, but it's always more comfortable than not knowing.

But when you have no clue... that's simply dreadful!!! It's almost like being drowning in the ocean, being paralyzed, so that you can do absolutely nothing. And you know you're in danger, you know you might die if you don't start moving and saving yourself, but you just can't. That's simply painful!!!

But right now, I know exactly what to do!!! And that's wonderful! I know perfectly where I'm going and what I have to do. And I can't describe how amazing this feeling is!!

Cheers.

When something is broken

So you finally got that little something that you've always dreamt of... You spent your whole life expecting it to happen and it's finally there, just in front of you! It might be a cell phone, a bike, a car, a computer, or whatever it is. Then you get super excited about it. You want to show everyone your new acquisition. You play around with it wherever you go, whenever you get the opportunity.

And then,all of a sudden, out of nowhere, it's broken.

What?! How come? What do you mean? Broken???

Broken?!?!

Yes, just like that! Broken... After you face that fact, what do you do? Do you look desperately for someone who can fix it? Do you sit down and cry? Do you try to find reasons to understand why it's broken? What are your reactions?

Well, after a while, after struggling and trying to deny it, it gets to that moment when you have to realize that it might not be worth it. You just have to come to terms with the fact that some things are not meant to be, or were made to be temporary in your life. And that you should just learn to let them go.

P.S. Yeah! You got it... I'm just not in the right mood today!

Excited about going back to Cultura Inglesa...

So, a few weeks from going home now, I decided to remind my manager, Simone Correa, about my going back (so she wouldn't forget about me when designing next semester's timetable). And then she asked me about my availability, which I confirmed as being the same as last semester (mornings, evenings and Saturdays).

And thinking about going back to a classroom full of students eager to learn English (or not so much, but still willing to somehow manage to learn a different language) makes me feel so excited. I love being in a classroom (either studying or teaching), and spending time with my workmates, like Lenytita, Lauritita, Lu, Thati, Fê, and all the others (sorry for not mentioning you all, guys, but you know you're all included) and my students as well, such as Polianna, Bembem, Francisco, Guti, Clarissa, Renata, Neto, Karina, Flávio, Glau, Rose, and so many others... I love being able to share my experience and see what people have to add from theirs.

Well, I just want to express how happy I am for being able to go back to my Cultura Inglesa family... People, I'm coming back!!!!

Isn't something missing?! Isn't someone missing me?!

I think I've been feeling a little bit melancholic lately. Despite all my efforts to look at the bright side of everything, and being as productive as possible, I can't help but feel down sometimes. I've been feeling homesick a lot. But at the same time, I know I'll be missing all this very soon as well.

Today, when I was walking to campus, coming to the computer lab, I couldn't stop myself from contemplating everything surrounding me: the buildings, the squirrels, the ducks and little ducklings, the rabbits, the trees, kids playing wiffle. Such a nice day, wonderful weather!

I guess we have this tendency of looking forward to things that will happen in the future and actually forget about the present. We become anxious, nervous, happy, excited, upset, or whatever it is, anticipating what will happen, but then we just see time pass by without even noticing.

And I guess that I, maybe more than everyone else might imagine, love living in my own little world, with my own crazy thoughts about the present, the past and the future, and creating things that have never happened, and imagining other stuff that won't ever happen... And by doing this, maybe I just lose focus from what's really going on.

Well, I wish I could just make a decision such as "from now on, I'm going to pay more attention to right here and right now" or " I'll stop making plans for tomorrow and living today"... I can't promise I'll do that. But I'll sure try to keep my mood as stable as it is for now and continue with my appreciation for the little things around me. At least for now.

But wait... Isn't something missing?! Isn't someone missing me?!

Inception

Some time ago, I decided to watch for the second and third time (yes! one after the other) the movie "Inception". It was kind of intriguing to me... and I guess it had quite an impact.

For those, who haven't watched it, I'm going to try to explain it, without giving any spoiler. The movie is about people who are able to get into dreams, from where they can extract ideas, secrets, information. But then, what the movie is actually all about is a mission for inception, which means planting an idea in someone's mind rather than extracting one.

Now, so many days later, after watching it again... I mean, maybe even weeks... I've been wondering if the thoughts that I've been having lately were results of inception (LOL).... they just won't leave me alone!

And I feel like Cobb's wife, Mal, that wouldn't let go of the idea of having to die in order to go back to the real world. Well, thank goodness, my idea is not necessarily suicidal. It's not that I have to die to go back to reality. But there are just some things that are driving me crazy!!!

Anyway, I'll try to organize my thoughts... I'll try to write them down... Or say them out loud... To see if they make any sense... or to find out if I'm just being paranoid...

Oh Lord! Where are the therapists when I most need them?!?!? (LOL)

Being bipolar

Yeah, I know that the title of this post is kind of funny, but that's what I felt like writing today. A few weeks ago, somebody said that it was just crazy how "manic-depressive" I was. Well, of course that would be a word that would never cross my mind, as in Portuguese, that would be "maníaco-depressivo", and the word maniacal just doesn't sound right to me. But guess what! I decided to google it and found out that I was more "manic-depressive" than I ever thought I could be... (LOL)

According to wikipedia, "Manic-depressive disorder" is also called "Bipolar Disorder, and is a phychiatric diagnosis that describes a category of mood disorders defined by the presence of one or more episodes of abnormally elevated energy levels, cognition, and mood with one or more depressive episodes.

Well, I know everyone says that it's normal having day-to-day ups and downs. Everybody feels extra excited about some stuff or upset for other issues. Yeah! But some people have their, let's say, internal "moodmeter" dysregulated. I know it's not technically a word, but I just used it as in analogy to a thermometer, which is used to measure the temperature, except for, in this case, it's used for moods. So, as I was saying, some people just don't notice how their mood behaves, and it switches from high (mania or, if milder, hypomania) to extremely down (depression) in a glimpse.

I have never actually been in tune with my own self, as to understand what I feel, connect the dots when I have a headache (for example, if it's related to what I eat (or don't), or lack of sleeping, or even PMSing), or know what my body needs. So I guess it's kind of evident that I don't notice that my moods are such a weird thing to understand. Sometimes, I'm just full of energy, ready to go, have a billion thoughts going on, talk non-stop, sing and dance. And then, out of nowhere, I just feel down in the dumps, don't want to get up from bed, just feel like staying in my own little world.

Oh well... it must be hard on people, I know... but I guess it's something that everyone might experience someday, as if you're not one, there's a high probability to come across someone who is. Apparently, if broadly defined (there are different types of the disorder - bipolar I, II, cyclothymia, NOS), about 4% of the population would experience it at some point of life.

So take it easy! Don't start misjudging people, saying they are overdramatic or take everything too seriously. It might be chemical (in their brains, something doesn't work properly)! Just try to understand each and every person as they are: simply UNIQUE!!!!

Let's get back to work

Well, I created this blog so long ago, wanting to use it in classroom, with my students. But I guess I was too lazy at the time. Or I was too busy taking care of the other blogs that some teachers and I had created at the time.

Anyway, lately, I've been working on my professional website (the one listed above - or below... who knows where exactly it will appear when I post this?!). And as it should be, I try not to get too personal on that one. Well, for obvious reasons. I don't want people who I merely work with to be sneaking in my personal life.

So I was thinking that maybe I should have something where I could talk about whatever, where I could think out loud (or actually write) about anything I felt like. And then I remembered that I had this blog.

So why not "rescue" it?!

Oh well.. let's get started then... (AGAIN!)

And you... reading this post... WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!

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